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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps