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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels