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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”