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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.