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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. Iām not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.