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Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.