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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?