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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?