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"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
My life is just one long improvisation.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.