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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.