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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.