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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!