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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species
I fake my lol`s