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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.