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Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.