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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.