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A wise man once said nothing.
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
How`d this get posted?