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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I think my guardian angel drinks.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light