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Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?