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It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).