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Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.