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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.