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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.