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It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.