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Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!