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My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime