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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.