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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.