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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?