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My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.