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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
I need more people like me in my life
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.