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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"