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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.