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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.