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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!