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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
Reincarnation is my only hope.