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It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.