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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!