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Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I fake my LOLs
Soup of the day: Beer
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.