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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"