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Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.