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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.