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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.