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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
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