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my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)