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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.