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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.