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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.