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Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"