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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?