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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.