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Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
when in Rome get naked ;)
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.