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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.