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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
I hate when the remote is way over there
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.