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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
I am the bestest at the English language...
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.