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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.