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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.