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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.