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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye