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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
My problem is that all food is comfort food
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.