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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.