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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?