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Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.