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Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team