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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.