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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode