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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.