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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords