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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.