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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."