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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.