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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
My misery likes tequila, not company.