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Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.