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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I`m having an out of money experience.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.