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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.