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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude