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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.